Newsletter #183 - Poppy Seed Bagel (Rerun)
Testing the limits of acceptable seed distribution
This letter was originally published January 25, 2021 (#72).
Last week I ordered a poppy seed bagel at The Bagel Station in Port Jervis, NY.
I had never seen a poppy seed bagel with so many seeds. It was fascinating and enchanting.
If you follow me on Instagram, you saw that I posted a photo of this bagel, and I asked if this was the correct amount of seeds. Keep in mind, this poppy seed distribution is on both sides.
Someone mentioned double-sided coverage was a good thing. They said you can cut the bagel in half and have full seed coverage if you are just eating half the bagel. This was a very interesting point. But the reality is you should never eat just a half a bagel. That is the incorrect way to eat a bagel. A bagel should be eaten in full. If you cut it in half it is strictly to add a form of schmear, not to put half away for later. There are no exceptions to this rule.
With that said, 71% of people are correct. This is way too many seeds to put on a bagel.
I couldn't get this poppy seed bagel out of my head. Are all poppy seed bagels like this now? Have I been out of the bagel game so long the landscape has changed? Is this a new trend with the kids?
I hit the road and visited all the bagel shops closest to me to see what the current status of poppy seed bagels are.
This is not a review of the bagel. All of these bagels are fine, and you should support your local bagelry.
This is a review of the style in which the poppy seeds are applied to the bagel.
Monticello Bagel Bakery - Monticello, NY
Single-sided poppy seed coverage. Fairly equal distribution of seeds.
8.2 out of 100
Current day Noah here. If you are confused by the rating scale, it’s a reference to the “World Famous 100 Point Scale” I invented on the podcast All Consuming (RIP). It was an oblique reference to the Pitchfork’s 100 point review scale. Nobody understood it back then and people almost certainly don’t understand it now. It is world-famous for exactly that reason.
Just move the decimal point one spot to the right.
Vinny's Original Brooklyn Bagels - Honesdale, PA
Single-sided poppy distribution. Somewhat uneven. Rogue sesame seed.
7.4 out of 100
Dr. Bagel @ Sl1ce - Port Jervis, NY
Totally erratic poppy seed coverage. This is a psychotic poppy seed bagel. I love it.
9.3 out of 100
Naked Bagel Company - Milford, NY
Even and thorough single-sided poppy seed coverage. It was clear that thought and care was applied to the creation of this bagel.
8.5 out of 100
The Bagel Station - Port Jervis, NY
The now world-famous poppy seed bagel. It's almost completely covered in poppy seeds.
9.9 out of 100
Documentaries should be made about this bagel.
I know if I end the newsletter here I am going to get numerous emails from people saying something like "You'll never pass a drug test after eating all those poppy seed bagels, LOL."
Is that even a real thing? Has anyone ever verified this claim?
I ordered a drug test so we can find out once and for all.
The EZ Level drug test will detect the presence of twelve different drugs. Those drugs are Marijuana, Cocaine, Opiate, Methamphetamine, Oxycodone, Amphetamine, Barbiturates, Benzodiazepines, Methadone, Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, Phencyclidine and Propoxyphene.
According to the provided literature, the EZ Level drug test is more than 99% accurate in detecting drugs in the urine.
I live a drug-free lifestyle, so I expect all of the results to come back negative.
I ate six poppy seed bagels this week, so if this is a real thing I should test positive for opiates.
Positive confirmed.
Do not eat poppy seed bagels before a drug test!
Do you like bagels?
My dad, Ira Kalina, wrote a book called Bagels Anonymous - A Love Story and you should check it out!
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Julia Sforza proofread this letter in 2021.
Kristen Neufeld doesn’t like poppy seed bagels but anything is better than a cinnamon raisin.
Zach Vitale doesn’t like when they put all the different bagels in the same bag and you get some poppy seed crossover on the sesames.
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The drug test was an unexpected twist at the end.
9.8 out of 100.
Reminds me I need my driveway resurfaced